Credits

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Irony.

Would you like to know what's a secret fetish of mine?

I like to go to the library and browse through photography books. Books with lots of photos and little words. It makes me feel happy just to be looking at the photos of places far away because sometimes, I feel as though I am there too and I can faintly smell the smells and hear the sounds around me.

There's nothing better than a photograph because it can capture many emotions and memories and have it frozen in place. Sometimes, when you find a photograph of someplace that you've been before, you feel as though you are being teleported to the days gone past and you can still remember how you felt that day, what you did, what you ate and the lingering taste on your tongue.

But up to this day, I can never open any books showing photographs of Shanghai. The feelings are just too overwhelming. There are so many mixed emotions coursing through my veins that I go giddy with confusion.

Just today, I thought I was ready for it. But the moment I opened the book, I almost had to put it down immediately though part of me couldn't let go of it. Every other page reminded me of some people, some places and the memories that were attached to it.

I guess I was too wilful then. All I thought of was that I needed to get home quick! And went home quick I did but I didn't manage to tie up the odds and ends and now, they are all left dangling and I can't close that chapter at all. Not even after 2 years.

Rash decisions are well, rash and they only bring about short-term happiness. But in the long run, you will start to regret whatever rash decisions you made earlier. By then, it would have been too late because what's done can't be undone. What's past is past. You have to learn to either live with it or have it take control over your life.

I guess I am stuck right smack in the middle of it all. I live with it but sometimes it takes control over my life too, just like today. When it gets too overwhelming, there's nothing much you can do about it too, can you?

No one can ever understand how I feel. There's times when I wanted to just dwell on it and smack myself hard for all the rash decisions I've made and people's lives whom I've made hard because of that decision.

Kayla, Mandy, Selena, Jennifer, Carine, Manlio, Lipi, Tim, Sang, Unc Rick, Aunty Lynn and most of all, Alex. I make myself stop thinking about Alex because of all the bad decisions he made after I left. But when Natalie told me that it was because of me that he was in this state, I couldn't help not thinking about him. It's frightening to know how badly you can affect someone's life. That kind of power is scary.

Everybody thinks I'm a give up-per now. But they don't understand that I didn't give up because I didn't like it. I gave up because my life was going nowhere. That path that I had trod on was unplanned, the days were all spent going to school to learn something which I know that I will never ever use in future. The days were spent doing insubstantial stuffs. I was going nowhere and that was a scary thought when everyone around me were going somewhere, even if it were temporary.

Would YOU have carried on if you knew your life was going nowhere? One year was wasted going no where and I was not about to waste another year doing the same thing.

So why are there people coming up to ask me, or my mum, "Oh. Hey! How is Laura doing in ECH now? Is she fine?" I get damn pissed off with that. Yes, I know you are full of concern for me and my future but you are making me feel that you think I am a give up-per! And in turn, my mum starts to ask me, "Are you having problems in school? Why is everyone asking me about you?" I feel like screaming!

Even as I am typing this right now, I feel like screaming and I feel so hot and bothered with it that my fingers are going in overdrive just trying to keep up with the pace my mind is going right now.

WHY THE HECK ARE YOU BOTHERING ME WHEN THIS IS MY LIFE THAT I AM LEADING! So what if I am just about to give up again (which I obviously won't, doh!)?! What is it to you anyway? So that you can snigger and go, "See. Blablabla's daughter give up again." I hate it when people start to compare me with someone else. So what if your daughter's great? That doesn't mean I am not! I am not her and neither is she me. So what fuck is it to you that she is greater than me? Does it give you joy at all? Cheap thrill, you hear me? Because if that is so, you are just comparing her with someone who is supposedly worse than her. You should compare her with someone better instead!

Just go away and stop bugging me. I am in a rather emo mood right now and I don't want to entertain anyone tonight.