Credits

Sunday, July 16, 2006

maybe I am feeling tired now ;

Somehow, I've been feeling really sick and tired this weekend. The mind's been in a whirl, feelings all jumbled up. Maybe because the workload is considerably lighter now, I have more time at hand to think of myself and the way my life is going. When the workload was there, I could not even take a breather, let alone look at my life and change it. The change wouldn't have worked either way too.

I think it's time to do what I did to my room just last week. It is the time for clearing up, once again. Eliminating thoughts that are random, rubbish-y and of absolutely no use at all.

And this weekend, I felt that I can not stand at where I am standing currently. I think I really need to be free again. I don't feel like I can be tied down for the moment. There's still so much out there for me to do, for me to see, for me to experience. Do I really want to be tied down?

I remember telling someone once that I wanted a guy who's not afraid to show his emotions, who doesn't act tough in front of me. Because it's like, "Hey, we're in this together, I want to be there for you just like you being there for me. You're also a human after all. You have your ups and downs. Maybe you being sad will affect me, but that's what will bring us closer, to know what each other is really feeling." And that I wanted a guy who is sensitive by nature because I am a sentimental girl myself, one who is extremely sensitive and exquisite when it comes to relationships and feelings. And lastly, a guy who can really make me smile from within.

And after 2 years, that has not changed one bit. But even if I find a guy who fits the bill now, I don't think I am going to jump at the chance and change boat. For me, the girls are all I need now. I am happy, really happy to be just with them, discovering new stuffs about myself, changing myself (where necessary) for the better and just having all the kicks that life has to offer.

Sure, DING!'s good. I am not saying DING!'s been bad to me or what. He's good, sweet, caring and he can make me smile whether or not he does anything. I can smile, just looking at him. Every trip out with DING! has been really enjoyable. And those times I hold close to my heart. But half the time, DING!'s not there. He has work commitments, he has school (which is even more hectic for him since he's in the 3rd year) and he has his own group of friends too. I am not going to take him away from his friends even if it meant not meeting him more than I would like. I mean, everyone needs some time with their friends too no? And the new chapter in his life that comes after this stares at us straight in the face. NS, which means, what little time we have now will soon become naught as NS comes into play in his life.

So many things scheduled to do, but things always cropping up at the last minute, either for me or for him. Those things will always be labelled as undone and only DING! will be able to undo the undone on them.

Even so, I think it's time that I decide what I really want. Just the other night, Vincey Poo and I were talking when he turned to me and said, "Jie, you know. I don't have any phobias. But there's one thing that I am really scared of. And that is dying. I am scared of dying, because I know there will be things that are left undone. I am scared of dying because of the pain that I have to go through. Maybe not physical pain but emotional pain." And I don't want to be like that too.

So now, I am going to just live true to my adventurer-style child and be free-spirited and maybe wild, until he comes along again.

If it were to be, DING! will wait.